Death is inevitable, it is never easy for those left behind but we all have to accept that it will happen.
Of the too many people I have lost in my life time, I have personally known six men, one boy and one woman who have taken their own lives. I have also known two men and one woman who have lost their lives to knife crime. That is 11 people between 15 and 40 years old in.
The effects of all these deaths are devastating to the family, friends and the wider community. Too many parents are burying their children. Too many young people are dealing with grief and fear.
We continue to suffer, often in isolation. We may act differently, driven by a need to prevent anyone going through what we are going through; or perhaps a guilt that we did not do enough; anger about the injustice of it all; fear that we may come to the same end; overwhelming sadness and loss.
As a society, we still do not seem to be able to come up with effective solutions and prevent further loss.
Political leaders and media campaigns express horror and concern temporarily tokenistic legislation, such as the appointment of a Minister for Suicide or increasing Stop and Search laws, but no real long term investment to address of these issues is made.
Racist and irresponsible reporting creates the illusion that knife crime is only a problem within a small section of society so it can be pigeonholed and overlooked and we can close our eyes again until someone in our neighbourhood is affected.
Stories of suicide of celebrities as young as Mike Thalassitis and as successful and established as Keith Flint and Robin Williams spark strong reactions for a short while. Even the stories as tragic as when young people suffering bullying or the high levels of suicides caused by unjust benefits decisions may raise concerns and shock us fleetingly but we are no longer surprised.
Mental Health and Wellbeing is an issue that is currently in the headlines. However, the link between mental health and gang crime has been recognised for years. Young people with low self-esteem are more likely to be drawn into gangs and or Child Sexual Exploitation. Domestic Abuse in the home creates a normalisation of the manipulative, controlling and violent behaviour that is also prevalent in criminal gang relationships. It also causes mental health issues such as PTSD, depression and anxiety and can lead to self-harming and risk taking behaviours.
For both causes of death, we still have inadequate long-term preventative responses. Our public services are underfunded and ‘firefighting’, care thresholds have been raised so early intervention is less likely. Voluntary Sector services are picking up the pieces on the frontline whilst finding it harder than ever to get the financial support they need.
Nevertheless, they are unable to address the underlying reasons why people see no alternative in that critical moment or end up being victim and/or members of gangs.
In fact we have even created ways through social media to add to the anxieties of failure and amplified or glorify unattainable life-goals or magnify negative stories about young people. Our communication is through memes and Twitter, YouTube or Snapchat. Our words are reduced to texting. A recent study showed that ‘Instagram and Snapchat …[were] the most detrimental to young people’s mental health and wellbeing’.
We have a government that has created a ‘hostile environment’ for anyone in need of support. They are dismantling our NHS. Mental health services have at least 6 months waiting list. They have cut Local Government funding that has a direct impact on youth provision and social services. They have introduced draconian changes in the Welfare system that is increasing homelessness and poverty. Our schools are under increasing pressure to provide for the wellbeing and education of the children and families in their care despite increased cuts, reduced pupil premium eligibility and lack of resources. They are contributed to a world that is fuelling hate with their foreign policy, rhetoric and legislation.
Is it surprising that people feel lost and helpless? Why should young people trust in the society that we have provided them? Is it inevitable that they feel they have to protect themselves?
Neither of these issues have easy solutions. We are losing too many young people to knife crime and suicide, and more specifically a generation of men:
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) report that that suicide is still the single biggest killer of men under the age of 45.
More than two-fifths of all people killed by stabbing or gun crime in London in 2018 were men aged under 30.
As a woman, I am three times less likely to act on suicidal thoughts than a man. Young women are also three times less likely to be killed by a knife a gun in a gang related incident.
Even one death is a tragic waste and can create reactions that lead to more death.
Many people who commit suicide are dealing with grief from the loss of loved ones. I know that three of the people that I mentioned their own lives in response to their brother or friend doing the same.
Many people who carry a knife have been victim already or lost their friend violently. Many people are dying for some futile revenge or random petty issue, causing more people to live in fear and walking with anger.
Everybody is grieving and suffering in their own way.
Obviously, the causes and underlying reasons for knife crime and suicide are complex and vary from case to case. Akala recently pointed out that knife crime has been around for hundreds of years and the common indicators are poverty, domestic abuse and a lack of education. Research has shown that poverty is a cause of suicide in men – men living in poverty are 10 times more likely to take their own lives then affluent men. A combination of this and not being able to deal with loss seems to heighten the risk of a man choosing to end their own life.
So assuming that poverty is something we can only deal with nationally or on a legislative level with a change to the system as a whole, what can we do to address the other causes?
We need to understand that we, as individuals and communities, have the power to change and our children need to grow up knowing that life is valuable. Respecting life starts in the home.
However, we also need to stop the blame culture that shifts from the young people, parent, to school, to police, to government according to the convenient view point.
We need to connect with each other effectively and teach our children to do the same. We need to learn to listen actively. We need to allow others to speak without judgement. We need to stop hiding behind phones and computer screens and develop relationships with others, even those we have no apparent common ground with.
We know all this really. We say it all the time so, what is stopping us making it happen?
Raising a girl and a boy, I have been acutely aware of the need to develop and support good mental health in them both as individuals recognising they have different personalities. I tried to do this even though my own mental state has not been consistently healthy.
As a parent we have to protect our children from harm from outside forces. It is our responsibility to ensure the safety of our children. But how do we protect them from our own internal negative thoughts and subtle (or not so subtle) self-harming practices.
How much can we protect our children if we can’t protect ourselves from ourselves?
How effective is the protection in developing enough resilience and emotional literacy to prevent them from being fatally affected by mental health issues or getting caught up in street violence?
The pressures on parents is huge. If we stay at home, we are scroungers, if we work we are not keeping an eye on the children. If we are over protective we are preventing our children from learning about life, if we give our children freedom they are at risk of harm. If we are a victim of domestic abuse, we are putting our children at risk but if we escape that risk we are forced to deal with our abuser through our children’s contact every week. If our relationship breaks up we must deal with our grief without it affecting our children. We learn how to parent from our parents so if we did not have a positive experience we have to learn alone.
On a daily basis we are all subjected to traumatic stories of people taking their own lives or someone else’s life. This triggers our own trauma and rekindles our own grief reminding us of our own losses and experiences. If we do not address this consciously and learn to talk about it, grief can be all consuming.
Trauma scars. Whether it be abuse, break up of families, the loss of a loved one or witnessing something horrific. It creates a mark that can be ignored, locked away but is forever stored and will one day surface and if we do not address it the damage can create harm, to ourselves and to others.
‘Damaged people damage people’– Marianne Williamson
It may not surface as abusive or manipulative. It may make us determined to change the world be over protective and controlling or lead us to avoid or neglect others emotional responses because we can’t cope with them ourselves.
However unintentionally, if we are not aware of our negative patterns, thoughts or actions, they rub off on our children. We aim to be model good behaviour and hope that our children will become better versions of ourselves. Often they do this despite us.
We need to care for ourselves -mentally and physically – as much as we do for those around us. We need to be kind in our actions as much as in our words.
Life has a way of improving. There is always a way out, however desperate we feel. We also need to learn and accept that, for some, there isn’t and we need to forgive them for feeling that way and ourselves for not being there to let them know.
We can make changes. We need to celebrate these changes however small. Not just the materialistic and visible achievements but the small personal positive choices to live life just because we can.
Let’s deal with what we CAN do and without judgement or accusations start to make these changes and acknowledge the positives within our communities.
There are millions of people and thousands of organisations providing effective responses and frontline services to those most in need surviving on shoestring budgets and reliant on volunteers. I work with many organisations that are crying out for help.
Support them with your time, money or expertise.
RIP
www.thecalmzone.net/about-calm/what-is-calm/
Click to access The_mental_health_needs_of_gang-affiliated_young_people_v3_23_01_1.pdf
https://www.england.nhs.uk/blog/tackling-the-root-causes-of-suicide/
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