May is usually a difficult month for me. It holds memories that I would rather forget and anniversaries that are not ones I wish to celebrate but cannot avoid. However, this one felt different, and it has been a month where I have changed the script and those memories have not haunted me in the same way.
Having been diagnosed with PTSD over 20 years ago, I accepted that I could get triggered by the slightest sound, smell, noise or a date and return full flow into a rerun of every or any traumatic event I had experienced. However, I had not realised the impact of childhood experiences and learnt patterns of behaviour that I had developed at an early age. These patterns may have led to the greater and more dangerous incidents, I faced that caused the PTSD. The symptoms simply reinforced the script that I had developed. And thereby continues the cycle.
I had a relatively blissful childhood. I am blessed with a family that has been able to support me through very difficult times up to this day. There was no family breakdown, no fights or abuse within the home. I was brought up with a strong moral and political code. I was encouraged to be educated, read books, dance, swim, maintain a car, build shelves, appreciate the arts. I was taught to budget, work hard and had opportunities to travel and be independent. Most of all I was taught to care about the world and others in it.
I am very lucky and I give thanks for this every day.
I have worked with and known thousands of young people and adults who have not had this privilege. People who have had to struggle alone, feel fear or pain at a young age, develop a hard exterior to survive, learnt that hustle is the only way. They have grown and done things that people consider wrong and sometimes even evil. They have hurt others or themselves. They have not been afforded the skills and emotional capacity to be able to develop or maintain relationships and create the life that is expected of them – the norm of working, keeping a home , having a family – is an ideal that can be a challenge for many.
Obviously, life, however blissful in retrospect, is never perfect. Parents do their best to be everything for their children, provide for them and keep them safe. Their own experiences and their stories of loss, pain and fear will influence their parenting and can, despite their best intentions, create an environment that could undermine their child’s sense of self-worth or create a script for that child that leads to self-destructive behaviour. Life can be cruel bringing trauma to the most idyllic settings. Every single person will learn to respond to this differently according to their instincts and environment.
I am proud that I have managed to create two kind, thoughtful and functioning citizens. Despite my failings and misgivings, they have already achieved great things in their young lives. As a ‘young single mum’, I was determined to prove myself as a parent and throughout their life I have tried to make a safer place for them and their peers to thrive. I have probably failed at parenthood more times than I succeeded, but they have a better chance of becoming better parents in the future because of my newfound awareness that I still have time to share with them.
I understand that my childhood and the ongoing support throughout my life has allowed me to have a certain power that I believe I have used for good, despite some of the ‘evil’ that I have had to overcome. Some have called this naivety but my everlasting belief that there is good in everyone has allowed me to achieve much that I can be proud of and that have had been able to have a positive impact on others.
Primarily, I have lived my life ensuring that the needs of others were met regardless of the impact on myself and this has been intensified by the PTSD. This has led me to becoming physically ill, financially broken, in fear for my life. It has led me to self-harm, self-destruction and negative relationships. It has meant I have made mistakes and caused others hurt unintentionally, which in turn produced me even more pain and self-loathing. This martyrdom was not intentional or even conscious it was part of my response to secure the attention or love that had developed from a very young age. I do not call myself a victim or carry the Martyr badge for sympathy. I have carried on and shaken it off and kept going, as I was taught to do and as we all do too often.
The importance of ‘Sankofa’, a tattoo I have had on my back for over 13 years is never truer for me as it is today.
According to originates from Asante Twi language of the Akan tribe in West Africa and literally means ‘return and go get it’. The interpretation I adopted was to remember your past and bring it forward. I.E. ‘You need to know where you have been to get where you are going’.
In recent months, I have delved deeper into my past than ever before. I have explored how my childhood has influenced my life choices and the negative patterns that have appeared. That blissful but imperfect childhood has created who I am today and whilst it is not helpful to regret any experience or cast blame, it is important to understand and learn from it.
It has not been until now , until this May of my 48th year, that I can honestly say that I know my worth, and that I truly know what I can achieve and what I deserve in life.
In the past, I had thought I had reached this point but I still allowed the script I had been carrying with me to allow people to undermine any personal growth and return me to the treatment I was used to.
This year, I have addressed a challenge to my view of myself and defended my self-worth. I have maintained my dignity and integrity and have been able to support others without sacrificing my own health and mental wellbeing. I have also seen that by doing this and looking after myself first, it has had more positive an outcome for others than the way I was doing things before.
To a certain extent it could be said that I have unconsciously created some of the risks, challenges and obstacles, as much as I have found the strength to overcome them. The difference is now that I can forgive the child I once was for creating that script that I was not even aware I was carrying and definitely did not know I was allowed to change. Whilst I had come to remember the childhood experiences I had not realised how much pain I was still hanging on to. Now that I have started to address this, I can literally let go of it and start a new script. I no longer believe that I am not worthy of the love or acceptance that I have spent my life trying to achieve for that child. I simply can accept and love myself.
All the clichés in the world can be applied but the fact is since going on this journey into my past, the symptoms of the PTSD have reduced, the triggers have not had the same effect and the self-harm and feeling of worthlessness has ceased completely and this May has been a positive month.
Kindness is not a weakness, to be kind after experiencing hurt or hate, is a true mark of strength. Kindness is essential for society to improve, but …be kind to yourself first.
If you are allowing people to treat you badly in relationships or work, ask yourself why? What are you telling yourself you deserve and where does that script come from?
If you are avoiding pain or trauma from the past, it will find its way back to hurt your present or future, until you allow yourself to heal.
If you are plagued by negative self-talk and doubts, write them down but make sure you have another book and write down every tiny positive each day – things you have achieved, or seen however, small.
Over time, it will be easier to focus on the positive.
Do not wait until you are nearly half a century to address past hurt.
‘Go back and fetch it’ -then heal it and learn a new pattern.
Create a life that allows you to feel all emotions in a healthy way. Y
You cannot avoid pain or sorrow in life but you can accept it and know that you will recover from it and be stronger.
Flip the script.
www.facebook.com/ptsdbreakthesilence/posts/2226852864063544
http://www.witnessstones.org/what-is-the-witness-stones-project/sankofa-by-design/
www.radiotimes.com/news/2017-08-04/what-does-the-bird-symbol-in-taboo-mean/
tinybuddha.com/blog/recognizing-our-patterns-and-learning-how-to-change-them/
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