Celebrating the Real Women and Me

This is my first blog and I was trying to think of something deep and meaningful to write to capture your attention and make you follow me. Then I realised that the whole point of this blog is that I cannot ‘make’ you do anything! I hope that you are touched or interested enough to read to the end.

The more I thought the less ideas I had so I am just going muse about an issue that’s close to my heart. It may get political and you may not agree with me, but I will be speaking from my heart and my experiences, so I hope it resonates with you and sparks some reaction or positive change.

Today is International Women’s Day, a celebration that has been happening in various forms since 1908. With it’s origins in the Socialist movement it aimed to raise women’s rights in work and to vote to the national and then international agenda. This morning, I received offers of discounts for massages, make up and a range of T-shirts with a ‘feminist’ slogans (probably mass produced in a sweat shop somewhere by teenage girls). So what does Women’s Solidarity day mean to you?

I have personally celebrated women and campaigned for Women’s Rights since I was a Militant teenager. I have always worked to ensure that women and girls have opportunities and access to all that men have. I have developed services that made women safe and enabled young women to grow up with pride. I have promoted International Women’s Days through music events, promoting all women DJ line-ups and got men to support Domestic Abuse causes.

On a personal level, I have an amazing group of women around me now but over the years my relationships with girls and women have not always been so positive.

At school, from a very early age, I was bullied mainly by girls who said they were my friends. I recently read an article on how to support our girl children to navigate relational bullying. At the time when I was being bullied, it was the 70s and there was not much awareness about the impact of bullying.

Over the years, as the mild name calling developed into more controlling and manipulative behaviour and I became less able to communicate my feelings. So much so, that I withdrew contact with my parents. Since the age of ten, I have been unable to have physical contact with my mum and dad… no hugs and kisses. I began to get caught up in larger scale bullying and getting into trouble or bunking off school.

By the beginning of secondary school at the age of 12, I was able to break free from the group that bullied me but I continued to fall into other relationships that were similarly negative.

My friendships, although seemingly dedicates and fun until we left school and drifted apart, also became fairly controlling or oppressive. So much so, that when I passed my O’levels (equivalent of GCSEs for those young readers!) I was not able to celebrate because others had not done very well.

I had learnt humility at a young age. In hindsight, I was a bright and able student, dancer, swimmer and musician. I had compassion for others, was a great organiser of parties and popular with friends from all types of people. However, at the time, I dumbed down my academic achievements, felt I didn’t fit in anywhere and saw myself as average or inadequate.

My teens were a blur of conflict with parents over revision, feeling alone and finding a sanctuary in alcohol and dancing.

In fact, throughout my life the relational bullying has been a recurring theme in many, but thankfully not all, of my friendships with women (and men).

These negative relationships reinforced all the negative messages that had been directed towards me as a very young child and without knowing it, the pattern of attracting people who represented the schoolgirl bully has always been part of my world… until recently.

It is a great thing to have truly supportive women in your life. We always look up to women in the public eye or in history, I have three of them on my wall – Maya Angelou, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn-  but actually, we are really most influenced by the women we have around us.

I am lucky to have my mum who, despite a slightly fraught relationship growing up and in my 20s, I am totally indebted to – for being the second parent to my two children, for always supporting me, for providing me with the moral conscience and access to arts and for giving me my Jewish history and culture.

I am incredibly proud of my daughter, who was my guiding light throughout some very tough and scary times and whose presence has always made me into a better human being, despite my flaws. Now a grown woman in her own right, with her own career, relationship and bright future ahead, she still inspires me to improve and keep moving forward.

I was brought up with women campaigners marching for free Nursery places (spot me below looking militant already!), against Racism and Nuclear weapons from a very early age which influenced me as a teenager, when I was involved in Anti Poll Tax campaigns and student marches against Thatcherite policies and Apartheid in the 80s.

As a young mum, the friendships I formed were through our children. I went through some of the worst and most challenging experiences of my life. We were all dealing with our own troubles and challenges but, as most of us were single parents, we tried to support each-other and did our best to bring up our children to prove to the world that we were not the scroungers that the media were painting us. All this , whilst learning about ourselves and finding our identity as adult women.

My thirties were focussed on developing my career, which involved getting a degree, setting up a charity and working with hundreds of women from all cultures and backgrounds . These women taught me that the strength of women is universal. Even at our lowest points, we find the resilience to rebuild and reconstruct ourself. Many had escaped from domestic violence, travelled from persecution to safety, overcome huge obstacles but still try to improve themselves and be good parents to their children.

I also had to deal with challenging situations with women, some I believed were my friends, but whose behaviour towards me was resentful, jealous, treacherous and controlling. It was at this point, I discovered that Karpman’s Drama Triangle and I started challenging these ‘friendships’ and started my journey (that has in no way, been a straight road) towards to real friendships I have today.

When I hit my forties, like many other women I shed some of the shackles of the past decades and really felt like I liked myself. As the years have  gone on,  I  have gradually been able to rid myself of some more insecurities and after a long and somewhat difficult recent process , I am heading towards my fifties in a mindful and positive state… mainly due to the many wonderful female friends with whom I have reconnected with recently.

These women travel, are artistic, musical, are sporty and are great mums and strong women. They are business women, writers, carers and creators.  Most of all are simply good people. We laugh, we talk about life (not people), we cry together, and help each other without expectation.

Most of all they accept me as a person, they respect me for who I am – warts and all – they do not take anything from me, emotionally, mentally or financially. Our relationships are not co-dependent but are healthy, honest and kind. These are the real Women to me and the real heroes in my world.

So, what makes some of us women want to bring others down? There are enough people in society making life difficult for us as women.

I can easily reel off stories such as the persecution of MP Dianne Abbott (who received over half of  all abusive tweets directed at women MPs). Period Poverty. Sexual Harassment. Domestic Abuse. The Pay Gap.Government policies that disproportionately impact women. The fact that, in some countries, girls still do not have access to education and in others, women only recently were given the right to vote. The list goes on and on.

Having a woman in the most powerful position in the UK has not helped and has potentially set us back many years in many ways. This is likely to get worse with the potential eradication of Human Rights laws and employment rights.

On personal levels, when a person  has insecurities and are not satisfied with their life, they are likely to project these issues onto others around them.

As  people on the whole,  but for the purpose of this blog, as women, we need to learn to be self-aware and mindful. We have power in our words and actions towards others.

Women are often the main carers of the next generation – as mothers , childcare workers,  primary school teachers – our language and actions when we talk about and to others will form the attitudes of  our children.

Most of all, we need to be aware about how we talk to ourselves. Perhaps if we had been taught at an early age to be kind to ourselves, to accept ourselves and have a voice we may have learnt to be kinder to each other.

This Women’s Day I celebrate all women. I forgive those that have caused me hurt. I apologise to those that I may have upset. I pledge to continue to fight for the rights of women, to support women and encourage women to shine their light. I thank the women who have inspired me and supported me.

Most of all this Women’s Day I find my voice.

I am kind to myself.

I love myself and the skin that I am in.

I am proud of all I have achieved and all I have learnt.

I shine my light.

I hope you do too

Article regarding bullying: https://www.amightygirl.comblog?p=21080

Information about the Karpman Drama Triangle https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/

Article regarding online abuse: https://newstatesman.com/2017/9/we-tracked-25688-abusive-tweets-sent-women -mps-half-were -directed-diane-abbott

Article regarding Women’s Suffrage: https://matadornetwork.com/read/year-women-became-eligible-vote-country/?fbclid=IwAR0MqqgbzMhnub2qYPBWd-74G3HEVm7CrrKeAJvtCJMCQEnnfOhLkvSnaGc