A hopefully not so obvious Mother’s Day blog

Mother’s Day was not something we celebrated or marked in my household growing up. It was deemed a commercialised religious day that was ignored on both counts.

In the UK, Guernsey, Ireland, Nigeria, Jersey and the Isle of Man Mothers Day has religios roots and is celebrated on the fourth day of Lent. In 1908,  in the USA , Anna Jarvis founded Mother’s Day on the second day in May and this is celebrated throughout the Caribbean too. It created an opportunity for domestic staff to return home to visit their mothers.

The tradition of Mothering Sunday first started in the 17th century and it didn’t seem to have a link to mothers as we would think, but meant visiting ‘mother’ church in your childhood home and eating Simnel cake. Following Anna Jarvis’ lead Constance Smith

published a booklet The Revival of Mothering Sunday in 1920 in the UK.

This, along with aftermath of the First World War, when hundreds of thousands of mothers were left without sons, is why we celebrate Mother’s Day today.

As it happens, neither women became mothers. Jarvis also had never intended the day to become commercialised and later said

‘A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world.’

When I became a mother, I thought it was going to be a nice day to adopt!

An excuse to be pampered or appreciated over and above the daily routine.

As a single mother though,  it was often a case of the nursery or school prompting an artistic creation. As they grew up, to avoid disappointment, I would  have to provide a few pounds and remind someone to take the children out to get a present in time!

Sort of defeating the object.

Now the children are not children anymore and are grown adults in their own right, I simply appreciate their time. I love to spend time with these two young people who are basically really decent, funny , smart and interesting people. I am very lucky that they made mothering so easy and that they avoided the pitfalls that so many young people are unable to and are going out into the world and making a life for themselves.

I appreciate and am grateful that my children have been able to become adults and whilst not being untouched by the realities of our world today, witnessing and being confronted by them, they have survived.

I am blessed to have two independent, motivated  and kind young people. I am happy that our ties are strong enough to withstand distance and busy lives and malleable enough to endure change and growth.

I am also blessed to be able to spend more quality time with my mum now than ever before. We are reforming our relationship in a way I would never have imagined and am truly grateful for.

Motherhood does not always provide the joy and accomplishment as advertised. It is tiring , challenging and produces feelings of love and fear so strong we can become vulnerable. We carry guilt  for mistakes we make and blame for  the issues our children face. We often have to sacrifice the life we created as young women and find a whole new part of ourselves and a strength we never could imagine existed.

And despite this, we subject ourselves to the lows, because motherhood is a gift that we often take for granted and assume is our right.

Sadly for too many women this right is not awarded or is tragically taken away. This is a gift that cannot be expected or relied upon.

Amidst the mundane tasks and constant demands of motherhood it is important to be mindful and learn to be present in the moment.

I fear this is something I was not able to do when my children were little. Constantly being haunted by  issues from my past and worries about their future. Trying to survive and build a life that supported them adequately and a career for myself, I was constantly planning the rest of the day, who was going to which activity, who had what homework, what was for dinner, where was the money come to cover that bill.

Time speeds by over piles of washing and nappies. We spend our days tripping over toys and finding ways to keep our children occupied and stimulated. As the day progresses we increasingly look forward to bed time for a moment of peace.

Even in our free time (if we are able to get any) we often think about our child because s/he has become such a part of our identity we lose who we were before they arrived.  We worry about what they are doing, if they are safe away from us, who they are with and what they need to do tomorrow.  We talk about how clever and funny they are and moan (quite rightly) about the lack of sleep, adult conversation and tantrums. And all of a sudden our babysitter needs to go home and our free time is over.

However,  free time or the ten minutes a mother steals each day when the baby takes a nap is an important opportunity to remember who they are. Yes they are mother, a role that is all consuming,  but they are also a woman in their own right with story of now and a history and a future.

It is easy for me to say this , as I sit alone with time to reflect, with the luxury of hindsight and no-one to care for on a daily basis but myself.

I know for mothers out there with numerous children of all different ages, partners, work and parents to think about, they will be likely not even to have time to read this blog and if they do will possibly despair at another thing they ‘should’ be doing and haven’t got time for.

Pressure is added, in these times, when the education system is failing our children in many ways, libraries are being closed, youth clubs and children centres are cut, the fear of gangs and knife crime. Families are either forced into a life reliant on benefits because despite their willingness to work it is not financially viable for mum to work part-time. Or the alternative where family life is fractured by parents working two or three jobs, children in childcare and still struggling to survive.

But with the luxury of hindsight and having witnessed family and friends losing their beloved children, I urge us all to be mindful mothers, whatever stage of motherhood we are at.

I imagine that when a child dies, a mother must be left trying to capture every living memory. Many of these memories may be hidden within a mist of responsibilities and a blur of external problems. The opportunity to spend another cherished moment other than in their imagination never to materialise.

In honour of those mothers, and the women who long to become mothers biologically but can’t and in order to take care of ourselves and our children mothers should not just spend today celebrating themselves and their children but consciously take time every day to do so.

Once incorporated into our lives it allows us to be more objective and therefore more thoughtful about the words we use, about our actions that may disempower and control and be more aware of our feelings and the impact this has on ourselves and others. We accept our thoughts and feelings without judgement which makes it easier for us to let go of negativity and self-doubt and enables us to be kinder to others, listening without labelling and judgement. We are able to develop healthy boundaries and improve our ability to communicate from the heart rather than our head (our ego) which improves our relationship with ourselves and others.

This may prevent the heartbreak that a mother causes by preventing her children from seeing their estranged dad due to her anger and hurt of a broken promise or seeming betrayal.

This may reduce the anger we feel as our child gets up for the fifteenth excuse why they should not be asleep, and also, prevent the guilt we feel at the subsequent screaming fit that we subject them to get them to submit to bedtime.

This may go a small way to alleviate the sorrow that a bereaved mother feels because they will know that their child knew them and their love throughout every moment of their life.

Millions of years of evolution and as mothers we still instinctively feel selfish if think about ourselves and our needs first.  Actually, by doing this, we become stronger and better people who are more equipped to help others. My friend, Lysha calls it being SELF-FULL rather than selfish and it is something I wish I had learnt many years ago.

So have a happy Mother’s day every day and to all those women being ‘mother’ to other people’s children and fathers acting as mothers too come out from the hefty to do and not to do list and just BE for a moment. BE Self -FULL and Savour the moment with every sense you possess and know how lucky you are. Whatever problems you face right now will pass.

With Love on Mothers Day to all mothers – mothers- to-be, mothers who have lost, women (and men) acting as other people’s children’s mothers, mothers who struggle with motherhood, mothers who have passed – we all create an indelible mark on the lives on others, so know your power and be kind to yourself.